Welcome, members of the Tortured Flames Fans Department. As you may know, Taylor Swift has finally released her new album, The Tortured Poets Department. Luckily for all of you, the higher-ups at The Win Column have given me the green light to write a Taylor Swift-inspired post. So Don’t Blame Me if this isn’t the content that you are looking for, but let me try and change your mind.
It’s been a rough couple of years for the C of Red, and it doesn’t look like it will end any time soon. As the organization enters a rebuild, it will probably be a Cruel Summer for Flames fans, as they have to watch other teams compete for a Stanley Cup. Now while the NHL Playoffs Begin Again, I’m sure we would obviously much rather be watching the team that we cheer for compete, but because that isn’t an option, why don’t we do what truly matters, and see which Taylor Swift song matches Flames players? Let’s get started.
Yegor Sharangovich – New Romantics (Taylor’s Version)
Lyrics: “Cause baby I could build a castle”
Sharangovich arrived in Calgary and took full advantage of the opportunity he was given. Every time Sharangovich had the puck, it looked like it was somehow going to end up in the back of the net. While scoring a career-high 31 goals, he had the Electric Touch for the team. He is an incredible goal scorer, however he is just as good with a hockey stick as he is with Lego. The man is talented on and off the ice.
He scored some incredible goals this season, but this still might be my favourite highlight from him all year.
Jonathan Huberdeau – I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can)
Lyrics: “I can fix him, no, really, I can and only I can”
Huberdeau has not been the same Huberdeau that was in Florida(!!!) a couple of years ago. We know that, the league knows that, even he knows that. However, I Think He Knows that he can be better, as he has consistently said that.
Now it’s tough to put up elite-level numbers when the team you play on is selling off all their best players, but if we go Back to December, he was at a 0.41 point per-game pace. After, he was up to 0.80 points per game from January to April. Was this a resurgence? A hot streak? Or just lucky production? You can Call It What You Want, but Huberdeau showed signs that he is slowly starting to find his way again. I’m sure he wants to put up more production than 0.80 points per game, but this is a step in the right direction, and hopefully, he carries it forward next year. We are all rooting for Huberdeau.
Martin Pospisil – Delicate
Lyrics: “My reputation’s never been worse, so you must like me for me”
Flames fans love Pospisil, that’s no secret. Other team’s fan bases? Well, they have some Bad Blood. He isn’t afraid to hit anybody and has gotten suspended multiple times this year. Now Flames fans would ideally not want him to get suspended, as the team is much better with him on the ice rather than off it, but it feels great to have someone on the team that plays with this nasty edge.
Oliver Kylington – Gorgeous
Lyrics: “You’re so gorgeous, I can’t say anything to your face. Cause look at your face.”
Oliver Kylington is one of my favourite Flames players. He is so much fun to watch on the ice, and he is an incredible example of perseverance off the ice. After taking a 1.5-year-long leave of absence to focus on his mental health, he was a sight for sore eyes when he finally returned to the team. He provided much-needed speed and stability to the blue line and despite how long his leave was, he didn’t look like he missed a beat.
On top of that, Kylington just has an incredible wardrobe and sense of Style. I firmly believe he could be a model if he just decided to stop playing hockey. I know for a fact that I would just freeze if he was standing in front of me. I mean honestly just look at him.
Brayden Pachal – Ours
Lyrics: “Cause I love the gap between your teeth”
This is self-explanatory.
Andrei Kuzmenko – the 1
Lyrics: “In my defense I have none”
I have all the love in the world for Andrei Kuzmenko. The Elias Lindholm trade already looked good for Calgary when it happened, but with how Kuzmenko has played for the Flames, it looks even better for the franchise now.
Kuzmekno is elite offensively. At times it even looks like he has an Invisible String tied between his stick and the puck. He piles up points and always shows up on the scoresheet. Defence on the other hand? Well… let’s just say it’s not his strong suit. But that’s okay! Because it’s not why he was brought to the team, it’s not his job, and he makes up for it with his offence.
Jakob Pelletier – But Daddy I Love Him
Lyrics: “Me and my wild boy and all of his wild joy”
This lyric perfectly encapsulates Pelletier. The man is just full of Happiness and we could see that ever since The Very First Night he put that Flames jersey on. I don’t think I can really describe in words what he is like, so instead, here are some clips that show it.
Pelletier is a literal golden retriever, and I’m all here for it. Also, bonus points to Pelletier for this.
He’s just like me for real. Never Grow Up Jakob.
Jacob Markstrom – I Hate It Here
Lyrics: “I hate it here, so I will go to Secret Gardens in my mind”
He was once an Untouchable goalie for this franchise, however, Jacob Markstrom may as well pack his bags out of Calgary now. He put up incredible numbers before the trade deadline, and was asked to waive his no-move clause to get traded to New Jersey, he agreed, and somehow the deal still did not happen. Somehow, he’s still at the restaurant.
Long Story Short, Markstrom was not shy in criticizing upper management on the situation, and further to that, his stats took a nosedive after the trade deadline. He probably has no desire to go through a rebuild and wants to compete for a Stanley Cup now. Who can blame him? He is too good to be on this team while it enters the rebuild phase.
Markstrom was a great goalie for Calgary, and I hope he goes to a team where he can finally compete and win a championship.
‘Tis the damn offseason
The next thing Flames fans have to look forward to is the offseason and the NHL Draft. However, while the playoffs are still continuing, there will likely be Nothing New on the Flames front. While we wait for the team to get back into the swing of things, fans will just have to watch another team get handed the Stanley Cup and Tolerate It. Which Flames players did I miss, and which songs would you relate them to? Which artist should be next? Let me know!
